Precious Memories

2012-02-04T12:40:00.003+08:00

i dont like this feeling.

i dont know what is it that is keeping me from giving up but i also dont know what isit that is keeping me going. feeling sian but there's this voice in me that tells me not to give it up.

is the passion really there?

2012-01-10T00:55:00.003+08:00

dont know what's with that super strong insecure feeling i've been having for the past few days. its been totally driving me crazy :(

and why do i always land myself in weird situations? or rather why do i feel that alot of situations are weird? :/ sometimes, i just...don't know how to interact with people. its just...so weird :/ arrgghh how i wish i can just hide in some cave and spend my life there.

2012-01-03T22:51:00.001+08:00

a very bad day. i guess i should just calm down and treat it as if nth's happened. i'm fine. nth's gonna happen to me. i'm fine. really fine.

2011-12-28T02:48:00.003+08:00

emo-ing once again. somehow, wide awake now.

reflecting on the past sem. its really bad. nothing actually seemed to go well. somehow everything seems to screw up. a bad start to a new beginning i should say :(

but i guess what's over is over already. no point keep thinking about it. but sometimes, it just cant be helped. i guess maybe it's just that i've been running away from the problem for too long. time to face reality.

working hard for next sem but can i really do it?

confidence. i need it.

2011-12-27T13:41:00.003+08:00

the irritating feeling of insecurity is back again. i hate it :(

dreading next sem. i have to up cap. but honestly, i have no confidence. busy sem. it havent even started but timetable planning is already driving me crazy. arrgghhh

2011-12-22T01:07:00.002+08:00

results out ytd. bad as expected. but weird feeling that i had :/ kind of mentally prepared for it actually. just relieved that i passed everything. but cap currently is in a very cui state. desperately need to up cap next sem. NEED TO.

timetable planning is really a super irritating thing. whats wrong with all the irritating clashes here and there. argh its driving me crazy. why cant a find a nice mod that i can take nxt sem which doesnt clash.

2011-12-11T14:26:00.002+08:00

is this the right path? once again, lost.

2011-12-10T16:38:00.002+08:00

- happy. though i know there's this element of luck. but somehow, i hope it isnt purely luck and i'm able to maintain it....

- hate decision making. sometimes, i dont even understand why i make certain decisions.

- timetable planning. another headache :/

2011-12-07T02:50:00.003+08:00

原本以为只是考试期间压力太大，所以心情总是不好。但，谁知考完了试，一样没变。也不知为了什么，总觉得很不安，很烦。总觉得做什么都不顺利，自己好没用。总觉得很无助。未来的方向，一点也不清楚。想尽力做好现在该做好的，但却什么也做不好。

不安，无助的感觉。想哭，却又不想让人知道，就得压抑着自己的情绪。想说，却又不知如何的说。笑了，但总觉得心里没彻底地的在笑，好像心里总是被个石头压着。

其实，也不知道自己在烦什么，但就总觉得很不安。真希望一觉睡醒，什么烦恼也没了。好想与世隔离，不要面对这一切。。。

2011-12-06T16:26:00.003+08:00

what is wrong with me. and all those weird feelings i've been having since recess week.

everything's just weird weird and more weird. it feels as if my life is in a mess. everything's in a mess. nothing seems to go the right way. i don't even know what i am thinking. everything is just.. turning my whole brain upside down.

me and my weird moods recently. watching show seems to be the only escape for all these. even sleeping doesnt help now. can't even sleep at night. if only things were all like in the past. sleep it off and treat it as though nothing happened. but, now, i'm still supposed to face everything. myself.

somehow it feels as though its harder and harder to control my emotions nowadays. stress, frustration, whatever. i just cant seem to calm myself down. as much as i keep telling myself everything's going to be ok. i should just relax, nothing's going to go wrong. but somehow, something is going to go wrong. my brain, my heart, they just dont believe me anymore. relax, peaceful and calm day... i need a day to relax and forget about everything. but how?

i thought this holiday is going to be a good one. finally a holiday without any commitments other than cca. no work, no school, nothing. i can just relax and enjoy. but somehow, i'm wrong. even on the last paper, after the last paper. that feeling is just...still there! it seemed as if there's still something heavy weighing down. but i have no idea what it is. i just dont feel that sense of relief that i usually feel after exams.

same for shooting. everything just doesnt turn out right. there are times when somehow i feel that shooting is losing its meaning. aim was to enjoy it. to do something other than just studying. to make uni life more fun. enjoy it. but now, it seems to become another worry. it sucks to know that you shot for 2 years but your standard now is in a super cmi mode. it just sucks. and, i dont seem to be able to control what i'm thinking when i shoot. or rather, maybe i control too much. i don't know. i really dont know.

feel so lost now. tired of pretending everything's ok. tired of having to face everything. sometimes, i think i'm really useless. hate this life of mine.

2011-12-04T21:51:00.001+08:00

someone tell me how to enjoy this holiday. weird feeling :/

2011-12-01T15:19:00.001+08:00

the most relaxing holiday which is not relaxing at all :/

2011-11-29T17:24:00.001+08:00

end of exams, end of this semester. having a weird feeling :/ haizz

dont know why these few days in a very weird mood. sometimes, i got this feeling like, i wanna hide myself at home and not do anything, not talking to anyone. but when i do that, it feels weird too. weird feeling :( kinda irritated with myself. what exactly do i want!!

2011-11-21T21:29:00.002+08:00

i cried last night. bell curves are scary. really scary. especially you know that you are on the 25th percentile. the need to get out of t. core module. cant afford to fail. i dont know why its the first time, other than history papers in secondary school that i feel so insecure. continuous 2 days of core mod papers. 2 of which I DESPERATELY NEED TO GET OUT OF 25TH PERCENTILE. TWO OF WHICH I CANNOT AFFORD TO SCREW UP.

one done. i dont know how i am gonna do. ok? i dont know if its enough to get me out. i'll just pray. may the bell curve god bless me to be either in the middle or on the right....

one more tomorrow. STRESS! but oh well just gonna do my best. jiayou jiayou jiayou!!!!

2011-11-20T19:21:00.002+08:00

i have learnt my lesson. i will mug really hard next sem.

but please please please let me pass my core mods this sem. i dont wanna retake them :(

2011-11-11T03:49:00.001+08:00

3.49am. its been long since i stayed up so late. the peacefulness, quietness, perfect for studying.

but its gonna screw up my sleeping cycle.

bad at self discipline. should really do something about it.

peaceful and quiet and calm. yet not calm and freaking out at the same time. ironic much :/ one more week.

2011-11-03T18:41:00.001+08:00

i hate this me :(

2011-10-28T23:41:00.003+08:00

two things.

1. academics

if i can do it last time, the times when it was much harder and tougher during As, i can do it again. JIAYOU!! cannot lose hope! need.to.create.a.miracle.in.three.weeks

2. shooting

it seems to be losing its meaning these days. demoralising i guess. but jiayou! just shoot, patience, relax. find back that feel.

JIAYOU!!!!!!

and remember, every second that you are not mugging, someone else is. turn into a cao mugger!!

2011-10-18T13:08:00.001+08:00

i can do it if i believe i can! jiayou jiayou jiayou!!!!

2011-10-09T03:08:00.001+08:00

the exact same feeling as 3 years ago :(

2011-10-08T22:39:00.002+08:00

insecurities.

and that sucky feeling is back once again. when will i ever forget that incident :/ 3 years... it still feels like its yesterday.

once again, the best memories, yet the most painful memories.

2011-10-05T01:11:00.002+08:00

happy day! :) agree that everytime with them, its filled with laughter ^^ DV ftw~

but somehow, there's still this... weird feeling in me. maybe i'm just thinking too much. why do i keep thinking too much recently :/

BU YAO XIANG TAI DUO!! T.T

2011-10-04T00:47:00.003+08:00

trials, midterms, elearning week.

time has been passing so fast recently. its already been two months since school started. still think that everything is passing so fast and so... unreal. somehow.

trials, midterms. quite screwed up i guess. ok trials is definitely a total screw up. 4 trials... got my two worst scores ever since i started counting scores in j1.... that bad. it feels as if.. that 2 years have totally gone to waste. still trying to find back that feel. getting a little impatient. i know i'm not supposed to. still trying to settle down mentally, make sure i am calm, relax, and get tt barrier off my mind and just, shoot.

midterms... i dont know. it feels quite screwed up too. like... everyone come tell me its easy. ok maybe its not hard. but its not easy for me either. and stupid mistakes made. bell curve, the very thing that will kill me until i die a horrible death. never liked this kind of competition. but, i'm glad i have nice friends, nice og mates to help me. made the world seem less... bad? really glad to know them :)

elearning week now. meant for me to mug. catch up with everything. work doubly hard so that i can do well in final exams. but until now, not very productive. really really need to get into mugging mode.

my aim - become a super cao mugger and get good grades. and of course, to be able to shoot better too :/

2011-09-18T15:10:00.003+08:00

thinking too much again.. :/

i dont like the emo me. i want to always be the crazy me. but how? :(

i'm getting tired of having to keep thinking. to worry about this worry about that. and i dont like it when i feel so sian of things. i dont like the ways things are going now.

2011-09-17T12:23:00.001+08:00

time to just leave everything to fate....

relax and enjoy~

hopefully, i'm able to do that.

2011-09-15T01:29:00.002+08:00

what a horrible day...

trials today. my worst competition shots ever :/ shot 2 freaking 1s. LIKE TWO!!! omg... i havent shot 1s in i have no idea how long. and now i shoot two ones in one competition. how great.

now i finally understand that kind of pressure. that kind of stress. it really screws your mind up like nobody's business. turn it upside down inside out. stretched in whichever possible ways. break into dont know how many pieces.

now that i'm calm and think about what happened just now, it feels so... not real. like everything's just so screwed up. the mind isnt functioning well. i dont even know what i am thinking...it's that kind of feeling... i dont know how to describe. its just scary. to be honest, no matter how scared i'm in competition before. i've never experienced this kind of... stress? to the extent that i break down coz of shooting... :/

but i guess shooting isnt the sole reason. there's still things like tutorials, midterms. everything's just going at some crazy rate. sometimes i'm thinking, am i getting my priorities right? am i focusing too much on things that i shouldnt be?

actually, i think its just me. someone who doesnt know how to manage my time property. dont know how to manage stress.

3 more trials which i cant afford to screw up any... and midterms.. which i cant afford to screw up either. lots of things to catch up on but i already feel so drained now.

nevertheless, i still need to keep on going. there's no turning back now. i'll just have to survive.

hopefully the horrible feeling just now will go away...

the nxt decision will be.. og dinner or training. there's advantage for both... but. idk :/ priority? but i want to go to both. if only things dont crash or if i can split myself into two.

2011-08-31T01:07:00.000+08:00

weird :/

shouldnt be feeling this way... but still, weird!

2011-08-27T20:16:00.001+08:00

3 weeks of school only. yet, i think i'm already subconsciously feeling stressed.

weird dreams. studies related. bad dreams...

i sense that its gonna be a tough 4 years...

2011-08-27T13:58:00.002+08:00

htht is a bad idea!! T.T make me feel so dumb.. the young and innocent times... when i dun even know what exactly is going on.. only 4 words to describe 年少，天真，无知，单纯。but it wasnt exactly bad.

and i cant believe i said what i said ytd to so many ppl somemore O.o shld just keep quiet...

now i regret saying them though i didnt say alot.. but i cant believe i actually said sth tt so far only 4 ppl know... :/

2011-08-27T13:40:00.000+08:00

omggg i cant believe what i did... i feel so dumb... :/

2011-08-20T15:22:00.002+08:00

havent updated for like one month plus. been kind of busy ever since i resigned? activities and more activities. when there's time to rest, i'll probably just feel like stonning there and not do anything...

5 months in cisco has really been wonderful. i dont know why. but i just enjoyed myself. really miss that place, everyone there.

school started. time to get used to having lectures, tutorials, studying all over again. just as i'm enjoying the super slack life during holiday though i was working. maybe its just the nature of the job, but i think studying requires much more energy...

orientation's been fun :) about one week long? enjoyed myself too.. i guess this is the first time that i actually am able to get even a little bit crazy during orientation. or probably during orientation period but outside of the orientation timing. since somehow, seniors think that i'm quiet? =.=

oh well... end of second week of school. still not used to it i must say. suddenly all the equation etc come to me. i'm just like O.o huh??

and i think i'm seriously old. my brain is seriously not functioning properly. i used to be a fast learner when i was young. i mean like young. now, i seriously think i'm stupid.

omg firstly, the things i learn dont retain in my brains. secondly i think it takes me damn long just to absorb what's being taught. arrgghhhhhh I NEED TO SURVIVE THE FOUR YEARSS!!

need some motivation. ok now its back to studying. need to figure out what actually happened...

2011-07-07T18:51:00.002+08:00

2 weeks left till the end of this job. somehow, i dont know why i feel so bu she de...

and it doesnt help that i seem to be forced to leave earlier and earlier. wanted to work till end of the month. then there's camp on the 27th. registration day on the 25th, dean tea session on the 22nd. aarrggghhhhhhh

i have no idea why i feel so hmm... idk how to say. attached to this place. i mean its just another temporary job afterall. but somehow, i think i'll miss everyone there alot?

not say that the job is totally super fun or what. sometimes, i also work until damn sianz. but somehow, i just dont feel like leaving that place? weird feeling...

2011-06-24T00:45:00.001+08:00

weird feeling :/

2011-06-10T20:15:00.002+08:00

arrgghhh what's with today!! damn it.

really hate this neither here nor there thing :/

2011-06-05T23:38:00.001+08:00

arrgghhh what's wrong with me these daysss T.T why wont i just stop thinking. stop thinkingggggg

2011-06-04T00:21:00.002+08:00

i dont know what's wrong with me. or more like i dont know what's wrong with me lately. my mood is like... going on a roller coaster ride once again. and i cant stand this feeling.

or maybe i do know what happened today. just that i'm subconsciously lying to myself that i dont know. let's just say, i dont like it when people gets too sarcastic.

haizzzz. really feeling so sianz recently. once again, that life is so meaningless and aimless feeling. insecurities. what's going to happen in the future. what kind of challenges am i going to face. i dont like insecurities like these.

my decisions. the consequences. arrggghhhh

and one more thing. WHEN THE HELL AM I GOING TO BREAK OUT OF THAT BARRIER IN ME :(

2011-06-03T01:01:00.001+08:00

thinking, thinking, and somemore thinnking. honestly, i wonder why i'm thinking so much even after i've made my decision.

TIME TO STOP ALL THESE :/

2011-06-01T00:26:00.000+08:00

Don't accept others definition of life its ur life,define it, the way u love it to b, be yourself because no one knows about u better than u

-quoted from some quote from twitter

but. what if i dont know about myself.. :/

2011-05-29T14:54:00.001+08:00

ARGHH WHY CANT I JUST SLEEP PEACEFULLY FOR ONE NIGHT T.T

2011-05-26T21:17:00.002+08:00

finally made my decision! though i'm still feeling kind of scared and insecure.... but i guess no matter what's my choice, i'll still have this feeling :/

but since now its decided, there's no room for regret. i cant afford to regret. no matter how hard it is, or whatever thing that comes, I CANNOT REGRET.

insecure's the word. i dont know what's there for me in the future. oh well i should just see how it goes.

so the decision's there already. now time to do all the follow up stuff. photo, hostel etc... but finally, i hope i can get a good night's sleep :)

but my eyes keep twitching....

2011-05-26T00:40:00.001+08:00

maybe i'm just lying to myself afterall...

2011-05-25T19:36:00.002+08:00

lots of things on my mind today. more of its been like that for the past few weeks.

firstly, acceptance of uni course. sth that is gonna determine my future. really hate deciding. maybe i'm just scared of the consequences. when can i ever just decide. damn it have the damn stupid courage to just go for it. i hate the me like that. hate it that i can never seem to decide. i never know what i want, what i like.

secondly, someone told me today or maybe 2. first, i was told that next time come back office must announce to everyone! then they will know i'm back. the second one told me that next time i go off, say bye to everyone, come to office, say good morning to everyone.

to be honest, i did think of that before. i wanted to try that before. its a simple thing isnt it? make friends, mix around, just say hi and bye. sounds simple. sounds normal. i really did want to do that many times. but all failed. why? just coz i somehow last minute, i just couldnt say it out. maybe it's just me but isnt it weird to randomly randomly go say bye? like... i dunno. i guess its just me.

i like everyone in the office. all the nice and friendly people. i want to treat them like how i treat my friends too. not that i dont treat them as friends or what, i enjoy being in the office everyday. it feels like a big family. i dont know what they think about me. but for me, i feel happy there. of course, when they talk to me, when they joke around when they say bye or morning to me, i can reply, i can mix around with them, laugh at the funny stuff. but somehow for me to initiate a hi and bye, it just dont seem to be able to come out of my mouth though i feel like saying it. it just gets stuck in my throat. the words never came out. i guess i just dont know how to.. hmm i dunno what's the word for it. express myself?

and work next time. when i really enter the working world. what is gonna happen to me. i really dont know. having a job at management level, to be honest, i didnt think about all these that much. more of i dont dare to imagine what i'm gonna do next time. but management level... that word management sets me thinking. leading people? me? like are u kidding? then again, for what do i study so hard for? why do i go to jc? why do i go to uni? why do i wanna get a degree? what am i going to do in life?

all these, once again reminds me of what happened 3 years back. sec 3 i remember. that memory. because of that, i had my best 4 years in sec sch. i enjoyed it. but also because of that, it gave me my greatest pain. my deepest regret? i was taught how to lead. i was given more confidence than the me previously. yet, i can still remember exactly how i felt so lost that very single day. how on the other occasion the words said by sir. how i see the fact that leading, is not my kind of thing. until now, after 3 years. that feeling is still as strong when i think of that incident.

sometimes, i see people filled with confidence. the way they carry themselves. the image they present to others. and then i wonder, why cant i be like them. where do they get the confidence from? i doubt my ability to do things. but do i have that ability? is it because of this lack of confidence in me or is it that i dont have the ability at all?

sometimes, really hate myself for who i am. if only i can break out of this shell of me. get out of my comfort zone. but its easier said than done. how. that's the question.

2011-05-24T22:42:00.001+08:00

need to decide soon. need to decide soon. but this is driving me crazy. i cant sleep properly cant eat properly cant work properly. argghhh can i just get this over and done with?

2011-05-24T22:34:00.002+08:00

Communication.It's the first thing we really learn in life.Once we grow up,we really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say

i kinda totally agree with this....

2011-05-24T00:40:00.001+08:00

everything in life is a choice, and every choice comes with a consequence. think before you choose your consequence.

2011-05-23T23:57:00.002+08:00

and a few days left to make the decision. my next few years. and probably the rest of my life? is gonna depend on this. there cannot be any room for regret. but i'm still feeling lost.

2011-05-23T23:55:00.003+08:00

changes, challenges... they somehow seem to be never ending in life. its tiring to keep on having to face them one after another.

but then again, what's life without them. wouldn't life be boring and meaningless without them?

weird feeling :/

2011-05-16T01:02:00.003+08:00

end of sunday. start of monday. what it means, got to get away from my own little world and start facing reality.

and i never like reality. cruel reality? full of frustrations. everything so complicated. or maybe its just me that refuses to step out of this comfort zone. who refuses to get that courage, that... i have no idea what it's called. sometimes, its as if i'm just another useless soul on earth, wasting resources.

went to ecp today. felt really relaxed. stand at the breakwater. feel the breeze. the peacefulness, quietness.

but i guess, that didnt last. well, actually it did. until the thought of tomorrow. what i'm going to face. my eyes just twitched again. and i hate it when it's always so zhun that whenever it twitch, something bad's gonna happen.

2011-05-07T00:18:00.001+08:00

i guess sometimes, things just don't always go the way we want it to be.....

2011-05-04T23:41:00.001+08:00

my first acceptance letter after so long. i guess i'm happy yet disappointed? but oh well i shall zhi zu. at least something is better than nothing :) for now, shall wait and see if the other 2 schools wanna accept me....

2011-05-01T21:37:00.001+08:00

i'm freaking going crazy with all these waiting. let's just say i'm desperate ok. stop making me wait like that not knowing where i am what's going to happen! argh. :(

2011-04-27T22:57:00.000+08:00

i dont like this feeling of insecurity :(

2011-04-25T23:51:00.001+08:00

why is it that my eyes keep twitching at crucial times! :/ i hate this kind of insecure feeling :(

and to be honest, i'm freaking out. please send me my acceptance letter.... T.T

2011-04-23T02:20:00.002+08:00

life's so boringggg~~ go work stone. at home stone. everyday stone :/ boring boring. hope i get a tuition assignment soon. need something to liven up my life. life's so meaningless and aimless nowadays...

need to do something interesting or learn something interesting this holiday. but what? sianzzz

but today was quite satisfying though. hahaha. well something different for a change in my daily boring routine of going to work. come home. sleep. wake up. work. home. sleep.

good friday~~ yes longgg weekend of course must go out!

went timbre today. and after that, went clarke quay. yes, i went into a pub for the first time in my life? ok not really first time first time but kind of. LOL. and drank a little? come to think of it, i only drank my first sip of alcohol this year. haha ok let my mum know that i drank, i'll be so dead. but oh well... to be honest, me dun like the taste of that whatever thingy that is. the hoegarden or sth? but cocktails are not bad i should say.

but interesting place! nice scenery at clarke quay. the river the lights ^^ oohhh and i wanna go try the bungee jump thing or whatever its called! hehe. and nxt time got bf must go there! >< okok i shall stop hua chi-ing and dreaming...

epic thing. after that, we decided to go home. but apparently, got lost. walked lots of yuan wang lu. AND DAMN IT! AM I TRANSPARENT OR WHAT! WHY DO PPL ALL IGNORE ME WHEN I ASK FOR DIRECTIONS! >:( QI SI WO LE!

but whatever~~

will be stuck at home tomorrow. saturday... but its ok. i'll have my room to myself. i'll be enjoying my time in my room with my com ^^ stonning, slacking.

and probably, if i'm in the mood, do a bit of research. SMU interview on tuesday :/ i hate interviews. seriously. just stop it with interviews and give me acceptance letter T.T :( this waiting process is so torturous.

2011-04-16T02:28:00.001+08:00

不想长大... :/

2011-04-12T23:46:00.002+08:00

tireddd... wonder what i've been thinking nowadays. weird me. i dont understand myself...

2011-04-04T01:54:00.000+08:00

快乐...的定义是什么？

2011-04-02T21:57:00.002+08:00

really getting very very very very irritated. i dunno what is his freaking problem. but i feel like killing ppl now. starting to dread all of these...

2011-03-31T00:57:00.000+08:00

once again, my eyes keep twitching :/

2011-03-31T00:49:00.000+08:00

tomorrow... or rather, today. wish me luck! i guess i really need them :/ gonna sleep and let the rest shun qi zi ran bah...

2011-03-23T02:47:00.000+08:00

and i think my sleeping cycle is screwed up once again....

2011-03-23T02:25:00.003+08:00

damn sianzzzz. this whole uni application thing is making me go crazy. and i believe, is causing all the mood swings :/ seriously why the hell is it so troublesome just to apply. argghh

DA or no DA. courses? ppl make it sound so easy. but its far from easy ok. frustrating! when is all these gonna end. i'm sick and tired of worrying about this and that.

work's been... neutral i guess. i guess interesting things do happen. but its really really damn boring when there's nothing to do. i dont like it when i keep stonning. i realised that i always stone when i'm not supposed to stone and not stone when i'm supposed to stone ah? hahaha. think i'm giving up recently. been doing my own stuff playing games in office when i got nothing to do? BUT I REALLY GOT NOTHING TO DO!!! omggg. but how much can a game entertain me. life is so horrible w/o anything to do.

and another thing. stop asking me how's this and how's that!! omg i never know how to answer this kind of qns.

oohh saw a kitten at the stairs to the canteen!! white one! so cuteeee~~~~~~ i wanna catch one home sia ><

but anw, back to the application problem. not much time left. gotta make it fast.. FAST! appraisal form or no appraisal form. hate that thing. dont feel like asking her for another favour :/ and its not like my CCA records are fantastic either? but if i dont apply through DA, i feel like i'm giving up my chance. how how howwwww arrggghh

uni application + boredom at work = horrible feeling :(

2011-03-20T02:24:00.000+08:00

still undecided :/ hate it.

2011-03-08T23:58:00.002+08:00

haven been blogging for quite some time alrd....

results were out last friday. ok i guess? not happy not sad. but i guess humans just cant be satisfied? i dunno. i just wanted more? yea i think i'm getting greedier as i grow older? ><

trying for accountancy no matter what. but i got a feeling i wont be able to get in :/ haizzzz

everyone's been asking me what course i'm gonna sign up for. but i seriously dont know the answer to that question. its so frustrating to keep thinking about them :/ that lost and insecure feeling, i dont like it. sleep's been an escape? but actually no. work is an escape too.

but doesnt help when i go to work. and i stone there. and i start to imagine things again. and i start to feel frustrated again. haiz..

oh yes. changed job. i guess its very different environment. my first job was a cashier. really nice place i should say. thanks to the aunties, i had a really great time there. though there were like damn irritating customers. but somehow, w all the fun there, it kinda cancels off the frustration? haahah. so far, i still like that place the best.

second job. admin. it wasnt exactly that bad i should say. that's when i know the tong ku of having nothing to do. until i learnt sth. and then i had a lot to do. to the extent that no one's helping me and i was busy like shit. there were some unhappiness there. i'm not sure why, i dont really like it. that feeling i get.

this is my third job now? a very different environment. more formal i guess? though not exactly very very formal also. hahahah. but i had a bit of a shock when i first went in though. from a supermarket to a small company to now. i walk in, the corridor's quiet. there's lots of diff rooms for diff departments. kind of intimidating the first time i went there? i didnt dare to open the door sia ><>

but the thing is, after like one week there, i so far only know 4 ppl's name =.= pro right. i mean i know they are there. but i nvr know their names. LOL. it feels like there's some kind of asymetric info ah? they know me but i dunno them. but i doubt they remmeber my name also lah. so its ok. but am i really so small? =.=

first was the om telling me to sometimes 'shut' my ears coz they kinda scold vulgarities sometimes. then he will go telling the person to say softer a bit got a xiao mei mei behind =.= then there's this other person calling me small girl. and say i'm the smallest among all of them. and another one who helped me open the cupboard door coz its kinda like on top and i had to tiptoe a bit. and he say i look very xin ku trying to keep the things. zhen shi de! hahaha but oh well its ok lah... nothing wrong w being short anw. i'm proud to be a short girl :D

and of course, not forgetting going lunch and home with a group of fun ppl! haaha. angie and friends. LOL. a bunch of funny people. make my life not as boring. but anw, this job is not as boring as the previous one lah. much better. i enjoy doing the things that i'm given unlike my previous one. but then i dont like it when i'm bored. coz i'll be really bored and have nothing to do. and its kinda weird to sit at the office staring into space. or the com =.=

but well... there's still the reality. sometimes, i feel really dumb. and i have concluded that i have phobia of calling. i wonder if i am able to overcome that. i hope so. andi hope that i can overcome it quick!

and the prob of courses is still there. i hate decisions. really hate it. now i feel so lost. directionless. maybe i should go and see some xin li yi sheng. oh and i think admin job is making me more dumb and quiet =.=

haizzz time to sleep. wish me the best in deciding T.T

2011-02-22T23:54:00.003+08:00

long time no update. still feel so lazy to write about all the stuff that i feel like typing here :/

feeling kinda frustrated now. i really dont know what on earth am ithinking. what's wrong with me!! arrggghhhh

i think i suck. hate the me now. i wanna 改头换面 and go transform myself into a totally new person. and live my life all over again :/

but well.. i can continue on dreaming....

2011-01-29T01:05:00.002+08:00

i realised i haven been blogging ever since i started OT-ing. coz too tired and lazy. reaching home at 10+ 11+ everyday :/ sian ttm. haiz... i shall find a new job quick.

but anw let's not spoil the mood w those irritating stuff. ok actually, mood alrd spoilt. but hahhaa suju's coming tmr?if i nvr remember wrongly that is. SS3 is on 29th? hahaha imagine being on the same island as hyukkie!! omg i think i siao alrd. after so long, my hua chi-ing is gonna start again ><

actually i forgot abt it. until this morning while going to work i was damn tired. then i was listening to bonamana on my way to work. and it suddenly occured to me that tmr's the 29th! or more like today. ahahhaa and i kinda immediately woke up ><>

i think i shld stop hua chi-ing and get back to reality.

ntu talk tmr. haiz.. i really hate thinking abt academic stuff now. seriously makes me worry. work, another tiring thing. arrghhh

maybe i'm just having my mood swingsss :/

but its ok. tmr will be abetter day. coz its the 29th! and there's NO WORK TMR!! WOOHOOO!!! still gotta wake up early though. but for once after such a long time, TGIF applies :D time to sleeeeppppp~~

2011-01-13T00:36:00.002+08:00

another thing, people are seriously complicated. human beings. i hate trying to figure them out. its irritating. sometimes, i wish i have a superpower. to read people's mind. to know exactly what on earth are they thinking.

2011-01-13T00:24:00.002+08:00

school is sian. so is work. i think at this rate i'm going to go crazy sooner or later. seriously. i have come to a conclusion after all these time working. working as admin is bad for mental health O.o

seriously I'M GONNA GO CRAZY. esp when she asked me to do the 50sthsthsth invoice today. OMGGG ITS LIKE O.o u either face numbers or u face the wall. and u keep checking and photocopying and its damn pekcek. i feel like pulling all my hair out. arrggghhhh

and i realise, after i start working, i'm starting to think too much. and become abit erm.. yi shen yi gui? idk!! i think i might really go crazy :/

i'm complainig. i'm not happy with working, i'm not happy with the pay. yet, i'm not happy if i were to quit. idk how to say. i feel bad. there's this sense of guilt and irresponsibility if i were to quit now. but apparently i guess ppl dont seem to understand how i feel. but haiz... everyone tell me to just quit. i did have a few job offers before while working. but i rejected them? i really dont know what i'm thinking. mao dun. its like a no way out kind of thing. no matter what i do, i feel frustrated.

i feel like, i keepthinking and thinking and thinking. yet i dont seemt o come to any conclusion. i feel horrible either way. i think its just the problem with me. and its not only that. plus all the other frustrations. i think i'll really go crazy.

i want to go far far away. well at least i wanna do sth that can make me forget everything. that can let me breathe properly. that can make me feel relax....

i guess i'm just weird.. :/

2011-01-07T20:37:00.002+08:00

argh this whole o lvl results release thingy is making me think about a lvls. die. cant help but feel stressed and worried :/ haiz... what if i do badly? T.T

and the horrible dreams are back. i dreamt of a car accident last night. the bus hit someone. the person was lying on the floor. with blood all over. broken glass pieces cutting the person. omgg what's wrong with my dreams? weird and scary :/

2011-01-05T23:29:00.002+08:00

i'm feeling stressed now. o lvl results gonna be out next monday. of course i'm not stressed about that since o lvl doesnt concern me anymore.

but. next monday i'll be in office alone. i mean as the only temp staff left i think? so far all the temp staff that i know are waiting for o lvl results. and what being alone means will be that i predict there's gonna be lots of qns. and i guess stress. i mean ok i dont really know how to put it. but i dont like the feeling when ppl goes 'eh ta yao shang da xue de leh' in that i sure do well kinda tone. it makes me feel like i dunno. i'll die if i dont kind of feeling. ok i admit partially its mian zi de wen ti. but i just dont like that feeling. plus the fact that i dont look like an a lvl student? and being older means more errrr it makes me feel like i'm supposed to work better kind thing. i dont know. i dont like that feeling.

another thing. a lvl results. university. to be honest, i have no freaking idea what i'm getting myself into. i mean i dont really know that much about stuff. i need major enlightenment. i'm not sure what courses i should take or which uni i should choose to go to. its the feeling like one wrong choice and i'm gonna regret for the rest of my life kind of thing.

uncertainty. something that i really hate. but sadly something that occurred to me today. what's gonna happen. what's ahead of me? good? bad? and i dont like changes either.

2011-01-02T20:29:00.002+08:00

first post for 2011. dont have much new year resolution actually. didnt think that much. 2010 has been a year with lots of ups and downs. and i really mean lots. emotions feel like i'm going on a roller coaster rides. many things happen. for 2011, i hope that it'll be a better year ahead? and i know starting my life all over again is impossible.s o let's just hope i can become a better person :D

brought some frustrations to 2011 from 2010. i dont like that feeling. not much of a new year mood. but i guess life has to go on. so yup. quoting from teukie: let's jump far like a rabbit!! ^^ hehehe. rabbit yearrr!!!! so i hope it'll be a cutecute year with lots of fun stuff too. and of course, a lvl results coming out.... T.T all i can do now is hope for the best.

new year. i hope its a new beginning too. a nice one.

2010-12-28T22:05:00.002+08:00

another frustrating day. haiz... i swear i hate making decisions. but i guess that's just part of life.. :/ that decision i made 18days ago, i'll have to bear the consequences now...

sianzzzzz just get me out of this man. if only life can restart. if only there's a backspace button in life.

2010-12-27T21:58:00.000+08:00

haizz why did i even get myself into such a mess :/ let's just say decision making really sucks.

2010-12-26T13:03:00.001+08:00

nearly died last night. omggg waking up every half an hour or so just coz i'm totally not feeling well :/ stupid fever went up to 39.5. really hate it when my fever goes up in the middle of the night. cant even sleep properly.

arrgghhh seriously i just wanna enjoy christmas break T.T i hope the fever doesnt come back. but i have a bad feeling about it...

2010-12-25T21:53:00.002+08:00

merry christmas!! ^^ though i'm totally not in christmas mood. this yr wasnt christmas-y in the first place. and best of all, santa gave me a great present. cough on 24th. cough + flu + fever on the 25th. how nice right.

so sianzzzz. cant even enjoy my christmas break properly.

been working for 2 weeks alrd. too lazy to update ><

first impression when i enter the office. they need to upgrade their com. seriously omg. when they start up the com. i was damn shocked can. windows 98. i totally went O.o and its damn slow. super pekcek. but oh well... not like i can decide anything.. just hope work will continue to be fine. and the stupid fever goes away quickly. arrgghhh qi si wo le.

the end of the boring christmas post... shall go sleep. so bored and cold~~ nitez!

2010-12-12T23:58:00.003+08:00

wanted to type something. but i forgot again :/ wonder what's wrong with me. keep forgetting stuff lately...

my eye just twitched. i hate it when my eyes twitched. haiz.. sianzz i hope nth bad's gonna happen.

2010-12-11T02:04:00.001+08:00

stop thinking stop thinking!! argghh at this point in time, how i wish i can poke sth into my brain run water through it. wash away everything. scrub it until there's nth left.

2010-12-11T00:47:00.001+08:00

我看我真的是疯了。

2010-12-10T19:48:00.001+08:00

argh. i really hate that feeling. really hate it. why does it keep coming back to me :/ sometimes, i really wish i can read minds :/

2010-12-09T01:52:00.003+08:00

realised its been a week since i last updated. lots of stuff going on since A lvls ended. but i'm always so lazy to blog ><

so shall start from the chalet? hahaa i guessed i really enjoyed myself at the chalet bah. actually at the start i was quite worried. but i guess all was ok? haha. dinner at changi night cycling. one word. shiok. ok its tiring. its like running 2.4 but i think i like cycling much more. nearly died at the end. but i dont mind going through all that again :D oh and i learnt how to play mahjong!! lol great accomplishment at the chalet. 2 nights no sleep. my sleeping cycle screwed. but who cares~ hahaah. night cycling from changi all the way to ecp. wanted to see sunrise but apparently it was going to rain =.= sao xing. but oh well.. at least the journey was interesting.

cycled past the changi road dunno where lah. the whole stretch which is beside changi airport. looked at the planes touch down, take off. its a nice feeling. to just cycle and its so peaceful and quiet and... hahah yea :) went back to chalet and i think practically everyone dead already. lol! bathe and sleeping time! my legs really ached like crazy. even when sleeping can still feel the pain. but its worth it. and it miraculously healed in just one day ^^

barbeque was.. ok i guess. didnt eat much though. ended up playing mahjong. wanted to play throgh the night but everyone was already not thinking. so yea.. and STEALING food in the middle of the night ><

stayed at home whole of thursday. friday went out with mum. walked and walked in johor. saturday went shopping with leona. walked and walked somemore. tiring ttm. dinner at ding tai fung! ^^ first time eat there. not bad i should say. celebrate dad's birthday so bro paid the bill. wahhahahaa.so shuang

sunday finally rest at home. monday was out with ray seen. nice time walking around just chilling. hahaha. and roti prata!! tues wed... spent at home watching drama, sending in resumes...

currently looking for job. the unemployed refers to people in the working age population who are available for work and are actively looking for a job but cannot find a job. yup that's me :/ let's just say looking for job is so sianzzzz and so ma fan. and so irritating. people say job agencies are not good. but where else can i find... online all over its mostly from job agencies...

let's just say, i never liked changes. and i'm experiencing change now. from studying to playing to working. i dont like. still prefer things being more routined. may be boring but i guess i rather things be that way. not that i wanna study now though. after A levels. i realise how sick i am of studying.

job job job...desperately in need of job now. maybe not really desperately. i mean my original plan is to rest first. but then again, i dont wanna stay unemployed. later no jobs how? i dont wanna stone at home for like half a year.......... oh well. so now is, drama + job hunting for the next few days. of course with going out too! hahah stingsting on satttt!! :D:D

all i hope is for this uneasy feeling to get away.. :/

2010-11-30T01:21:00.002+08:00

finally the end of last paper.... whatever the results is, right now, i'm glad i survived these two years. let's just say its not easy. there are certain times, i really felt like giving up. i questioned myself why i chose this path. but i guess, i'm glad i survived :)

after last paper. i dont know why. i'm relieved. but, somehow, there's this thing inside me which isnt making me happy. i dont know what but its just.. haiz... dont seem to be really happy. well i can joke and laugh, not as if i'm like emo-ing in one corner or anything. but somehow, all those laughter... it doesnt seem to be coming from deep within. there's still this, i dont know how to explain feeling. relieved but not entirely relieved. not sad but not happy either. maybe its coz last tue was alrd...hahah party time? or maybe i'm just worrying and frustrated about other stuff. i just dont seem to be able to completely enjoy myself :/

so celebration? sakura w the rest :) i enjoyed it i guess? i mean after all i haven ate before. well deserved celebration i should say. maybe a bit ex? but for these two years, i think its worth it. but damn full after that. hahahah and really damn tired. i seriously think i can fall asleep anytime. even walking around after that, i think i was totally stoning =.= i think i should go sleep. chalet tmr...

2010-11-29T09:34:00.001+08:00

a few more hours to freedom!! ^^

2010-11-22T18:36:00.002+08:00

counted mcq marks.. dunno whether its good or bad..

nvm i shall just go sleep. no point thinking about it. chem's over. priority now is to study well for econs.

JIAYOU!! ONE LAST NIGHT TO ENDUREEEEEE!! I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT. YES I MUST TELL MYSELF THAT I CAN.

2010-11-22T11:29:00.002+08:00

我可以划一个圈把自己关在里面把回忆挡在外面....

one line of the lyrics from 叮当 - 可以不可以

interesting! hahahaa... isnt that the same as "hide one corner, draw circles and emo"? hahah.. ok nvm i think i'm too easily fascinated. i shall go back to study :/

2010-11-22T10:05:00.001+08:00

i hope today pass quickly :/

woke up feeling damn tired. wonder if i should go back tosleep.. but there's chem! argghhh... dont know what happened to me. after friday, totally lost the momentum to study :( not a good thing when there's econs tmr T.T haizzz

2010-11-20T02:36:00.001+08:00

just found some CNY videos of fireworks and firecrackers in my com... wanted to post. but oh well.. the effect came out ugly. so hahah i guess it shall be left in my brain as memories then.

let's hope i dont forget them like what happened just now what joyce's convo. epic. twice somemore :/

2010-11-20T01:52:00.007+08:00

a picture says a thousand words?

last night. spent with econs. until 4+am? but actually, i'm kinda feel glad i survived the past 2 days. its been all study except for some sleep and half an hour of hua chi-ing >< {edit: ok i just realised the pic not big enough to see the time =.=}

my messy room.. thanks to A levels..

hehe i really love the view from my house window ^^ and i think the clouds that day were niceee

chilli in my kitchen!! haha my mum was so happy with her jie zuo that she excitedly ask me take pictures of them!

studied in my parents' room. then tired decided to sleep. brought my pillows over, lied down and realised that everything surrounding me was pink =.=

classroom at 6pm. interesting.

hehe i guess that shall be all for my photo sharing tonight. i'm tired but i dont feel like sleeping...

2010-11-19T12:04:00.001+08:00

i realise, a lot of songs got coffee =.=

2010-11-19T10:38:00.002+08:00

why do i have a feeling that history's gonna repeat itself. o lvl geog... now econs...

2010-11-19T08:49:00.001+08:00

i was still awake when my bro came home.. around 5am? now he's still sleeping while i am here, facing econs :/ i lead such a wonderful life right?

2010-11-19T08:33:00.001+08:00

a few more hourssssssss. seriously need to persevere. just a few more hours and paper 1 will be over. this horrible day will be over. and i can sleep all i want. a few more hours!

2010-11-18T23:08:00.001+08:00

pray for a miracle.

2010-11-18T22:53:00.001+08:00

T.T i used to like econs so much. i wonder what caused the total change from like to detest. econs seriously drive me crazy :/

2010-11-18T01:19:00.001+08:00

headache headache :/

2010-11-17T13:54:00.000+08:00

econs, physics.... my two cmi subjects. arggghhhh

2010-11-17T02:53:00.001+08:00

还想为你摇秋千，对着夕阳扮鬼脸~

2010-11-15T22:16:00.005+08:00

'translate our confidence in your abilities to your own confidence' - sir.

this sentence just suddenly struck my when i was bathing. lots of memories ran through my mind. good bad success failure. and that particular 2 incidents. i dunno why but sometimes, i really feel like i'm so useless. not good at anything :/ since young. sometimes, i really wonder what i've achieved. lack of confidence, or lack of ability. i really dont know.

haiz... nvm.. why on earth am i thinking about all these right before chem exam anw. need to concentrate. just stop thinking. STOP THINKING.

2010-11-15T12:20:00.001+08:00

i said that i was immune. maybe i'm wrong :/

2010-11-15T01:00:00.001+08:00

why does it feel like i'm kinda immune to the exam feeling :/ is that supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing?

2010-11-14T11:53:00.002+08:00

i wonder what's wrong with me recently... everything's just unpredictable. even my dreams. well last time even if i had scary dreams, i'll roughly know what they will be about. like normally before chem exam it'll be chem related. before maths it'll be maths related. sth along that line.

now i've been having weird and scary and unpredictable dreams. i dreamt of chem consultation before maths exam. i dreamt of myself doing maths for dunno how many times alrd even though maths is over. i dreamt of ahnp the other day. and today? coach zhang. omg. then the other day i dreamt of my classmates. and i was stressed. and there's this super high stairs which never seem to end and i was running and running and running i until i was damn tired.

what's with those weird dreams :/ maybe i should stop sleeping so much...